CRACKLING (n):
Used to indicate a wine that is mildly sparkling.
A crisp wine with a good acid balance that is fresh and lively.
The bubbles are crown shaped when they reach the top of the glass, which indicates a good sparkling wine or cava.
They make it sound so good. They lie.
Crackling is evil.
Crackling can be purchased from your friendly bottle store for a whopping R19 for 750ml or what is fondly known as a Missile, or R36 or 1.5litres for the mighty Bomb. But don’t assume that this fizzy, little piece of budget-friendly “heaven” is going to be as light on your body and mind as it is on your pocket. Quite the contrary. Crackling is a vicious beast which torments the body, mind and soul in a way which can break even the strongest man into a blabbering, vomit-laden mess.
In case you have not yet been convinced, here are a few more useful reasons.
If you drink Crackling:
1. You will hate the taste of it.
2. You will fall over frequently when moving from sitting to standing position.
3. You will undoubtedly hit your head on the car as you attempt to get in.
4. Your blood will be so thinned from the alcohol content you will bleed profusely.
5. You will not care that you may be dying from blood loss and will demand to be taken to the jol.
6. You will enter Tin Roof, stumble over to the bar and try and order a bottle of Crackling.
7. You will be turned away by the barman and focus all attention on finding someone to hook up with.
8. You will hook up with the most unattractive and most pungent smelling person on the dancefloor.
9. Your friends will try separate you from the man-bear-pig who you have pushed up against the wall, and whilst sucking on their neckfolds you will tell your friends to “Furhk Offk! I’mmn i welly dig dis dis pherswon”.
10. When you are finally dragged away from the siffest human being on the planet, you will end up passed out in the bath, covered in your own vomit whilst tonguing your muck-ridden shoe and groaning quietly until the early hours of the morning.
11. You never remember anything the next day.
This is where the Cardinal Rule of drinking in general comes in:
What you do not remember, most definitely did not happen.
Nice. I hope you didn't do this. I do relate to this piece, because on the day of my last exam of first year, I drank many glasses of Autumn Harvest Crackling. It did indeed affect my judgement and behaviour.
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ReplyDeleteRead this with "fond" memories given its cerebral drag.
ReplyDeleteStill can't quite wean myself off it even though the rest of the body objects from time to time. More often than not.
It's a good thing when its icy,crispy cold. Chill it out and chill out!
ReplyDeleteHaha... can relate a little too much
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