It's been a month since my dad passed away. And I still seem to be sane. Most of the time at least. It's 11:30pm and I am writing this in bed, counting down the minutes until the exact month. I probably shouldn't. But my brain seems to want me to.
A month. A month without a dad. To be honest, it's pretty shitty. One day I'm ok - at peace with what's happened. The next day (or hour, even) I'm so furious at the world - angry that we are born ultimately to suffer. Things are more the former than the latter, but those times are very, very dark.
In Grey's Anatomy (excuse the reference) George tells Christina that he can't imagine living in a world where his dad doesn't exist. Christina tells him that it never really goes away, then welcomes him to the "Dead Dads Club" - a place that you're never in, until you are in, and that she is sorry that he had to join.
Well, she's right. Unless you've been through it, you don't get it. And I would never, ever wish this "understanding" on anyone. That said, it feels like no one understands (other than family, thank God for them). And because I'm still trying to understand everything myself, it's pretty hard to get used to.
I'm pretty antisocial at the moment. It's just easier to cope with all the feelings when I'm not putting on a brave face for those around me. I know that no one means to make me feel this way, but it's a product of life. Things go on as per normal, but my normal has changed forever and I don't quite know how to be a part of the old life.
I don't mean to be all doom and gloom. That isn't the point of these blogs. Funny that I find it difficult to talk about any of these things face-to-face, but I can write them for how ever many people to see.
My mom has been amazing. She's taken everything that has come her way with such strength and dignity. Although I keep telling her, she doesn't realise how much I look up to her. Maybe she will now.
This coming Saturday, the 5th of October, would've been my dad's 71st birthday.
Pops, we'll have a drink for you.
x
You're allowed to be all doom and gloom. I lost my mom 12 years ago and I STILL have doom and gloom days. Also, my husband, his best friend and I have a Dead Moms Club.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love xxx