Another one of those sad posts

This is another one of those sad posts... Forgive me.

I keep saying that I just can't wait for 2013 to be over. Bring on 2014! Yay! Excitement! A fresh start! Happiness! I've managed to convince myself that a new year will make 2013, and everything that came with it, seem like a thing of the past.

But it won't.

I used to go for days not chatting to my parents. My mom would get a bit peeved off with me and I felt guilty - but I said that it wasn't that I didn't love them, I was just busy. And I was. But I realise that it was no excuse.

I'm now lucky if I can go an hour not thinking about my dad, trying not to tear up at my desk. Hiding in the bathroom for a while or desperately needing to make a cup of coffee.

There are two times that are the worst. The obvious one, lying in bed trying to fall asleep. The other, which has developed more and more as time goes by, driving home from work. I'm ok in the morning - thinking about the day and all that there is to do. But that drive home always brings memories, anger, loss and tears.

"Missing" is the worst feeling in the world. Especially the kind of missing that you know will never go away. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever ever.

Ever.

Such a little word is such a big one. The enormity of it is so very, very hard to comprehend. Knowing that you will never ever see someone who is so important to you - and somehow trying to convince yourself that you'll be ok.

I find it very difficult to talk about my feelings on losing my dad. I'm ok talking about him - a funny thing he once did, or when I see something that he would like. But I really, really struggle to talk about how I am coping. "Yeah, I'm fine. One day at a time, ya know?" is my usual retort. It seems to stop most people from asking anymore, because most people don't know, and don't really want to get into it.

Saying the words out loud is too difficult. I just can't do it. That's why I write it down. It's not that I am ashamed about feelings, it's that when I say it out loud it becomes real. And real is something I am finding very difficult to deal with.

My dad was an amazing man. Amazing. Don't get me wrong, he pissed me off a lot. He was stubborn and difficult and uncooperative. But he was also loving and caring and warm and funny and kind. The world is a worse off place without him.

I haven't written here in a while. I haven't had the impetus to be funny or interesting or relevant or anything. Because all I wanted was to write this very post, but I've been too scared that I'm becoming that doom-and-gloom girl.

But you know what?

I am that doom-and-gloom girl. Because I have lost my dad and a little part of me is broken.