A stolen day.

For those of you who don’t know, my darling dad passed away suddenly on the 30^th of August 2013, after a very simple procedure went wrong. 

Anyway, back to today.

I feel robbed.

I had an idea in my mind that after six months I would have great perspective of some sort. Six months. It felt momentous, poignant. It felt like a milestone that if I could reach, I’d be ok.

But I’m not getting my six months, because dearest February doesn’t have a 30^th.

This may sound incredibly stupid, but I’m pissed off. I wanted six months. I wanted a day to feel like time had passed and this was meant to be my day. I was meant to feel release or relief or something. I don’t know. Just something.

But what can you do? I’m not getting my day. And maybe that’s a sign in itself. There is no day. Things don’t just get better because you pick a nice sounding number and aim for it. I have aimed for six months, and maybe that alone has gotten me there.

The truth is, I am doing better. I don’t cry myself to sleep every night and that exceptionally awful drive home every day, which somehow always had me in tears, has passed. I can have a few drinks without immediately crying, and can have fun without feeling guilty.

I really do think the very structured Jewish laws for mourning a parent have helped so much. They remind you all the time what has happened and make you accept it as such. There is no partying, shopping or going wild to make myself “happy”. It is a constant reminder that you are in a different phase of your life, and it forces you to deal with it.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an incredibly shit time. Whenever I am reminded that my dad won’t be at my wedding, won’t meet my children, won’t be a part of their lives – my heart breaks. Not only has he missed out on them, but they have all missed out on meeting the loveliest man in the world. Please don’t comment and say “Oh, but he will be there watching over you”, because compared to the real thing – that just isn’t enough.  

To add some extra perspective for you guys, this is what my family has been through in the past 2 years: My gran on my mom’s side passed away July 2012. My dad’s brother in April 2013. My dad in August 2013. My uncle married to mom’s sister in January 2014. So yeah, we’ve had a rough time.

So, we’re plodding along. We’re getting there. Some days are good. Some are bad. 

Dad, I miss you each and every day. Sometimes I think I see you in the distance. My favourite thing is to dream that you're still with us. We've had long dream conversations - thank you. And thank you for the dream hugs, you always gave the best hugs in the world. What I would do for one now.

I didn’t think it was possible and I can’t speak for the rest of my family, but even without having my six months, I am doing ok.

And ok, is ok.

*Love you always, pops*