76kgs of unhappiness.

FYI: I am not being paid for this. I am not receiving free things. I even had to give the watch back after I reviewed it. I am writing this from the heart of a human, not an asshole blogger.

I've never been a very big person. But because I am 1,73 with quite broad shoulders and hips that don't lie, I've also never been tiny. Three years ago I started writing restaurant reviews, and since then I've steadily put on kg on top of kg. 15 of them to be exact.

“I would rather eat what I want than die skinny” - I've always said. And it’s true. But when I was honest with myself, I wasn’t happy. Three quarters of my cupboard didn’t fit anymore. I started only wearing baggy tops, pretending that it was just my new style. I've tried to find some photos to explain the change - but I can't. I hid in my clothes and didn't take many photos. But still, I've been lying to myself and pretending that I was fine with it. "I don't wear bikinis because I'm too old for them". Yeah, sure Kayli.

In November I was given a TomTom Runner watch to review and I was incredibly skeptical. I stared at it for about a month and a half, unwilling to give it a try. Firstly, what was the point if I couldn’t run more than 500m? Secondly, how could a watch help me? Obviously I wasn't going to like using it. I didn't need a watch to tell me how incredibly unhealthy and unfit I was.

Finally I decided to give it a go. I tried it and managed to run 400m, walked home and threw it on the table. I hated it. I hated how it showed the details of my failure. I couldn't believe I was so incapable.

A few weeks later, the watch was still staring at me from my desk. Calling me names. So I thought I'd try again. As I ran I was watching the meters tick past. 370m. 380m. 390m. 395m. 396m. 937m. 398m. 399m. 400m. 401m. 402m. And I kept going. I wanted to show the watch that I was better than 400m. Don't get me wrong, I didn't run the comrades, it was just 450m - but it was something.

Slowly but surely, very slowly but surely, this little watch has been pushing me to go a little further every time. It's gotten to the point that I look forward to going for a jog, so that I can see whether I go further, faster. Having something to measure against has been the most freeing and motivating feeling in the world. For some a trainer does the same job, but not for me - I can't bear the embarrassment of failure in their eyes (or afford them). But with this little watch, even when I don't make my goal, no one needs to know. And my disappointment in myself fades as I plug the it in the computer and it pulls up all my past activity. Seeing it all there, seeing the improvement. Seeing that I can do it. Makes it ok. I don't have to the best runner in the world. I'm never going to be. I'm also never going to be a petite person. And that's fine too. But I can be happy with who I am.

I didn't take a before and after photo. Not for one moment did I think that I'd have an after photo to be proud of. But I have lost 8kgs. And more importantly, I can run 4km. I have never, ever, ever been able to get anywhere close to that.

This week I am going on a trail run with some friends. It's the first time I've agreed to run with people - because it's the first time I'm not embarrassed. Now that I think of it, I have been lying to myself for such a long time. About my body, my health and how I felt about myself. But no more. I've still got a while to go, but even getting there makes me happy.

So, TomTom, I think you were expecting a review about the technicalities, the functions, and the comfort. The way the watch works and how doesn't work. But you're not getting any of that.

All you're getting is this, because in my mind, it is far more meaningful than a star rating.